belonging

[ironymaiden]

solcita looks hot in a bustier, and positively glows onstage.

we went to see Gaia Consort last night, because i wanted to see solcita play, and also because they're endorsed by the folks at Witches' Voice. the music was kinda like Barenaked Ladies meet Rusted Root with a string section. and we had a fine time.

how fine was it? C DANCED, yet the sky did not fall, nor the ground yawn open and consume us. we've been talking about it on and off since the show ended and all day today. not the miracle of C dancing (i've decided that i like the alien replacement, but i have no idea where the pod is hidden in our tiny apt) but attending a concert of what C characterizes as praise music.

we were largely closeted in PA (and still are to all of my family and his grandparents) as we had to deal with either hatred/fear or derision. i'm not sure how i feel about lying to my father, but it hurts enough to know that his only daughter moved thousands of miles away and he misses her terribly; he thinks about making sure i get communion, and went to tremendous lengths on our last visit to get me to church. even though i've basically told him that the only reason i would go is because he asked, and to sing with him. i still don't feel secure here, working at a Catholic-owned business, having some atheist friends. sometimes atheists are worse than people who think you're going to hell.

i was just there, listening to some music and seeing a bunch of people be themselves. happy junior high aged girls making out, triads, kids and teenagers all dancing or singing without a care. i realized that i was inside one of those concerts that you see footage of on those nasty Christian music ads with the really happy people in the crowd going crazy. and i totally get it. it's all about belonging, expressing your worldview with a group of people that share it. i thought i was against the idea of that sort of belonging, but then i realized that perhaps it's because i'd always been isolated, and i don't entirely grok being the same as a bunch of other people. i've always been of the wrong political views (sometimes too left, sometimes too right) too freakishly intelligent too tall too prickly too questioning. i've tried to keep from being different for the sake of being different, and to keep being as open and tolerant as i can.

i almost don't know what to do with myself. and i realized that i haven't been practicing seriously for some time, out of some kind of residual guilt and fear. there's nothing to be afraid of except feeling fulfilled. if i am judged as being less of a person for what i believe, then it is the observer who is impoverished. i think i'll probably always be solitary, and do the occasional work with C, but i'm looking forward to tentatively exploring the idea of community. and it feels nice.

C and i had spent the day running, and were fueled only by a few snacks from Walgreens and the hospitality table, so we had to bail on mr_dorbin's birthday drink, which saddened us. we barely made it to home and bed.

Comments

[ironymaiden]

oh, exactly. music was the only thing that got me through being dragged to church every sunday.
when i perform, i feel like a conduit, connecting everyone in the room, like the energy comes from beyond my body. yes. and there are times in the audience when i feel myself snap into the grid, so to speak. i find it comes best when i am really focused, even if i'm the only person in an empty theatre.