validation

i put C on a plane again tonight, and he'll be gone for an indefinite amount of time.

i will miss him desperately. as noted previously, i don't need him in order to function and in some ways things are easier without him around. but i want him around.

i have felt some existential horror at the not-needing. what if C has no utility?

the real question is, why do i think that he has to be needed rather than wanted? relevant article: author posits that we are all conditioned to value men solely for their utility.