we say personal representative in Washington, but executrix is such a cool word

[ironymaiden]

as noted in locked posts, i'm managing the estate of a friend who died recently. i have a lot of big feelings around that, but it's also a process that people have to go through and we don't really talk about it. so i'm going to try to put some of this out where people can see it, share if you feel so moved. i'm in the US in Washington state, so some things won't be universal.

in the US, part of managing the estate is creating an EIN, essentially an imaginary person called Estate of $walletname who can then have a bank account and own things and write checks. i play Estate of $walletname for business purposes.

probate is the period of time when the estate is being settled. in WA you need to make a public announcement of the death and give creditors four months to ask to get paid. after the debts are taken care of, then you can actually distribute the remaining money/assets. if life insurance and retirement accounts have beneficiaries listed, they skip probate and get paid out directly, they aren't subject to debt claims on the estate.

other than the funeral, nothing much can happen until you have a death certificate, and that can take more than two weeks. then you have to get the state to sign off on your status as personal representative. after you have the death cert + letters testamentary, it's actually go time. it was a month from the actual death to me having all the docs.

what i do as personal representative:

• find and gather up all of her assets - bank accounts, insurance, retirement, brokerage, her possessions

• get everything transferred from her name to Estate of $walletname

• pay debts

• inventory all the things

• inform all the things! help life insurance and accounts with beneficiaries to contact the beneficiaries

• distribute stuff per the will

• do her final tax return

stuff that was ready:

• she had a will, medical and financial powers of attorney, and the form you need in WA to be empowered to deal with remains

• she created a doc with key passwords, instructions, and some contacts

• she told more than one person where to find the will

stuff that wasn't ready:

• she didn't finish the contacts section of the doc, and she was a very private person. so i did my best but i'm sure there are some hurt or confused peeps that i didn't know out there

• i've found a few significant things that weren't updated with the correct name post-divorce, and one that still has her ex's name attached

stuff she didn't think of:

• telling me where to find her social security card

• access to the phone and laptop are my access to her passwords saved in google. what i don't have are the passwords to the primary (handle) or secondary (wallet name) google accounts

• any info on how any of the systems in her house work or the wifi password

stuff i wish we had done together (re: end of life stuff):

• gotten set up and prepaid with People's Memorial. (hospice asks you to have a funeral home picked out and setting that up while she was dying was one of the most stressful things i have ever done.) pick a place out, put the money down if you can.

• a walkthrough of the condo with a rundown of how the shower works, a warning that the washing machine walks, what things are broken, any other quirks, and discussion of what i should know about the HOA

• the fucking wifi password

• walked through the legal docs. i had agreed to be executrix and knew key info in the will, but it would have been good to know what else was in the folder.

things that i recommend so far:

• https://funerals.coop/ for locals. they were empathetic, friendly, flexible, informal, and cost-conscious. i loved that the team that came to transport the body was all women, and they wrapped my friend in a handmade quilt for transport to their van.*

• shout out to my friend's bank and insurer USAA, who have survivorship down cold. (USAA caters to the US military and their families, so they are very prepared for death and are quite lovely on the phone.) my friend loved their customer service and so far i have to agree.

• pay for the probate lawyer. the estate's paying for it, not you, and then you don't have to go to court or figure out paperwork other than signing things.

• Death Sucks, which is all-around useful, but in my case particularly for "Shitty Mad Libs" the page on writing obituaries, headstones, and social media announcements.

• print pictures to share.

*it was pretty cool to see them carry her down three flights of stairs. they had a sort of sled and broad webbing straps. the young women looked pretty slight to me but they handled ~200lbs no problem.

Comments

[sleepybadger]

So awesome of you to share this. Having gone through dealing with my friend's estate a couple of years ago, it's so hard to not only figure out what needs to happen, but also to deal with it through the fog of grief. I was lucky, he worked for IBM and they have a whole survivorship program including an outside company that walks you through everything you need to do, answers questions, etc. He had also worked with an attorney in his last couple weeks to make sure all the paperwork was done in the cleanest possible way, so between the attorney and the survivorship program, that made a huge difference for me. I was so so thankful that he made sure I had his phone password, wifi password, computer password, and master password through lastpass so I could access everything. It made SUCH a huge difference. On top of this, because I was the sole beneficiary and they were able to bypass so much, we ended up not needing to open an estate, which meant that there were some things I was unable to do due to not being his legal next of kin (thankfully, his sister was very kind and accommodating about signing off on those things). Also wish I had stumbled upon that Death Sucks site when I was in the depths of things. It really does suck. And it's SO HARD for people on the outside to understand just how much it sucks. Thank you for executrixing (I know that's not the right verb but I kind of love it) for your friend, it's a miserable job but better to have someone do it who really cares and wants to do what the person who has died wanted.

[annofowlshire]

*hugs* Reading through this gave me flashbacks, but it’s an important process people often don’t know anything about until they’re in it. I had a crash course when Mike suddenly died, simplified somewhat by still being legally married, complicated by having been separated for several months and no will.

[oracne]

Thanks for this. My sister took care of it for my dad, and my dad had done it for my mom. It's good information to have.

[yourlibrarian]

A good list of things you've run into. A big problem for me will be that while most of that stuff isn't anything my partner would have to deal with (because I've already prepared or because we share a household), I can't even imagine what would happen should both of us go and someone else have to deal with it.

[sistawendy]

This is terrific! I'm lucky that Good Sister is Mom's executrix, though, and that's under Florida's jurisdiction, natch.

[flexagon]

This is all fabulous information. Strangely, I haven't found any good guides on how to set up this pragmatic stuff -- and I'm speaking as someone who's gotten estate planning documents drawn up with lawyers twice.

Some good overall checklists about executor responsibilities and good ideas, but mostly not aimed at the person who is dying:

https://advisor.morganstanley.com/lucie.honosutomo/documents/field/h/ho/honosutomo-lucie/Family_Assist_Brochure.pdf

https://www.morganstanley.com/articles/executor-of-will-parents-checklist

I have a Google Doc with details on how to go about executing the money part of my estate, but I didn't think of things like wifi password either. If my spouse and I die at the same time, our personal representatives will have their work cut out for them.

[ironymaiden]

One of the tough things here is trust and safety - I've been calling the document portfolio I have with her social security card and passcodes and death certs the identity theft kit