love languages

[ironymaiden]

lindylousmith is checking out Love Languages by Gary Chapman. it seems to be distilling love relationships into a set of preferred modes, kind of like looking at learning styles. i'm lucky enough to have a profoundly mixed learning style, although i tend towards kinesthetic since it lets me "get" things at my own speed. different people have different needs in the classroom; a straight lecture is terrible if you're kinesthetic, for example.

his modes are these:

words of affirmation
gifts
acts of service
quality time
physical touch

it's interesting to see stuff that we all probably know spelled out in bullet points. i looked at it, thought about what matters to me, and even found a quiz (like there isn't one for every pop psych everything out there) that reiterated it.
my top three are quality time, physical touch, and acts of service. it's what i like, and it's also what i offer. words of affirmation and gifts are things that i try to remember to do, but they aren't instinctive. i suspect that these are C's primes as well, but perhaps not in the same order.
i need a certain amount of quality time or i start to wilt. it doesn't have to be face time; we've done the LDR thing at various times, even since we've been married. what we've always done is make contact in some way, packaged the time up in letters or phone calls or a day where we drove more hours than we actually spent together. maybe it's some crazy shit, but it's got incredible nutritive value- MiracleGro for the soul.

the list is fodder for me as i think about what works and what doesn't in all of my relationships; not just the beloved husband, but friends and family. incomprehension of others' needs is where every relationship can fail.

BUT

From the Amazon.com review: Although some readers may find choosing to love a spouse that they no longer even like –hoping the feelings of affection will follow later– a difficult concept to swallow, Chapman promises that the results will be worth the effort. "Love is a choice," says Chapman. "And either partner can start the process today."

that's horseshit. the guy apparently has a whole series of these books. it's not just pop psychology, it's a certain kind of Christian pop psychology...which leaves us with the notion that the institution of marriage is more valuable than the relationship inside. i could write volumes on what's wrong with the concept of love as a choice. if love was a choice, then we would all be happy heterosexuals married to a person of our parents' choosing in unerring and perfect monogamy. how much misery is perpetuated by the idea that you can think yourself into being happy with a societally imposed lot?

perhaps the bullet points are more useful than the books.

Comments

[buhrger]

even found a quiz (like there isn't one for every pop psych everything out there) that reiterated it
linky?

i could write volumes on what's wrong with the concept of love as a choice.
i htink there's something to it - given any two people, and sufficient motivation on both their parts, i think they can be good friends to each other. that doesn't necessarily equal long-term Relationship, tho.

linky.

[ironymaiden]

here you go.

Re: linky.

[buhrger]

cheers!

choice.

[ironymaiden]

i agree. we can apply effort to create friendships; and the results can be fulfilling.

i'm just upset that the idea of "making it work" (for the children?) in a marriage/ LTR is still out there. i suppose i should be pleased with this as a rational and constructive solution to preserving marriages as opposed to blaming the homosexuals.

[butterflydrming.livejournal.com]

*ahem* Excuse me, are *you*, the person who has essentially stated that he doesn't know what "love" is, talking about love? Having an opinion, even?

(If that sounds snarky, well... it is.)

[butterflydrming.livejournal.com]

(I'm not responding to you, ironymaiden, but to buhrger. Curse this comment layout thing.)

[buhrger]

and the second part of my opinion is that my opinion is (a) highly uninformed and ergo (b) not worth a lot.